She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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