Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
