Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
