Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
