Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
