She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
