I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
