my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
where are you?
Hypothermia
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
