What a fucking waste of an outfit
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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