i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
