People in love make me want to vomit
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
