I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
