I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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