I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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