I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
