so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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