I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
