Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
