does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
