I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize