Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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