Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
