if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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