Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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