god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
