is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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