guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
