I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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