Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's rum buckets o'clock
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
