I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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