im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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