i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
