I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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