I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
