we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
