Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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