do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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