I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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