i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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