Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
