I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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