she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
