It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
