Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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