That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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