Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize