The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
