I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
