If i come over, it means nothing
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
