It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
