I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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