Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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