You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
