I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
