Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
