Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We have started to decorate penises.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
