wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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