My friends, they love my intelligence
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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