Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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