Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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