i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
