1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
