after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
