I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
