i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
