Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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