Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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