i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
